February 5, 1924
The soul cannot go out of the Divine Will because her will is chained to the immutability of the Divine. Effects of melancholy and of cheerfulness.
I felt embittered because of the privation of my highest and only Good; even more, I felt that everything was over for me, and that the One who is all my life was to come no more, and that all the past had been a game of fantasy. Oh! had it been in my power, I would have burned up all the writings, so that no trace might be left about me. My nature also felt the painful effects of this, but it is useless to say on paper what I went through, because the paper too, cruel, has not a word of comfort for me, and does not give me the One whom I so much long for; on the contrary, by saying it, it makes my pains more bitter, therefore I move on.
So, while I was in such a hard state, my always lovable Jesus made Himself seen to me with a stick of fire in His hand, telling me: “My daughter, where do you want Me to beat you with this stick? I want to strike the world, therefore I have come to you – to see how many blows you want to receive yourself, so as to give the rest to creatures. So, tell Me where you want Me to beat you.” And I, embittered as I was, said: ‘Beat me wherever You want to beat me, I don’t want to know anything – I want nothing but your Will.’ And He, again: “I want to know from you where you want Me to beat you.” And I: ‘No, no, I will never say that; I want there where You want.’ Jesus returned to ask me again, and seeing that I kept answering: ‘I want nothing but your Will’, He repeated: “So, you don’t even what to say where you want Me to beat you?”
Then, without saying anything else, He beat me. Those blows were painful, but since they were coming from the hands of Jesus, they infused in me life, strength, trust. After He struck me, in such a way that I felt all beaten up, I clung to His neck, and drawing near His mouth, I tried to suckle. But as I did so, a most sweet liquid came into my mouth, which cheered me all up. But this was not my Will; rather, I wanted His bitternesses, for He had so many in His most holy Heart. Then I said to Him: ‘My Love, what a hard lot mine is; your privation kills me, the fear that I might go out of your Will crushes me. Tell me, where have I offended You? Why do You leave me? And even though You are with me now, it does not seem to me that You have come to stay with me like before, to be together, but in passing. Ah! how can I be without You, my Life? You Yourself, tell me if I can.’ And while saying this, I burst into tears. And Jesus, pressing me to Himself, told me: “Poor daughter of mine, poor daughter of mine, courage, your Jesus does not leave you. Nor should you fear that you might go out of my Will, because your will is chained to the immutability of Mine. At most, it might be thoughts, impressions, that you will feel, but not true acts. In fact, since the immutability of my Will is in you, when yours might be about to go out of Mine, you will feel the firmness, the strength of my immutability, and will remain more chained to it. And besides, have you forgotten that I am not only in your heart, but in the whole world, and that from within you I direct the destiny of all creatures? What you feel is nothing other than the way the world is with Me and the pains they give Me. Since I am in you, they are reflected upon you. Ah! my daughter, how much does the world give us to suffer - but, come, courage, when I see that you can take no more, I leave everything and I come to be with my daughter, to cheer you and to cheer Myself from the pains they give Me.” Having said this, He disappeared.
I was left strengthened, yes, but with such melancholy as to feel myself dying. I felt as though soaked in a bath of bitternesses and afflictions; so much so, that I did not feel the strength to say to Jesus: ‘Come’. Then, while I was doing my usual prayers, my beloved Jesus came back, telling me: “My daughter, tell Me, why are you so melancholic? See, I come from the midst of creatures with tears in my eyes, my Heart pierced, betrayed by many, and so I said to Myself: ‘Let Me go to my daughter, to my little newborn of my Will, that she may dry my tears. With her acts that she has done in my Will, she will give Me the love and everything that the others do not give Me; I will rest in her, and I will cheer her with my presence.’ And you, instead, let yourself be found as so melancholic, that I have to put my pains aside in order to relieve yours. Don’t you know that cheerfulness for the soul is like fragrance for flowers, like condiment for foods, like the skin tone for people, like maturation for fruits, like the sun for plants? So, with this melancholy, you have not let Me found a fragrance that may cheer Me, nor a tasty food, nor a mature fruit; rather, you are all faded as to move Me to pity. Poor daughter, courage, cling to Me, do not fear.” I clung to Him; I would have wanted to burst into tears, I felt my voice being suffocated, but I plucked up strength, I repressed my tears, and I said to Him: ‘Jesus, my Love, my pains are nothing compared to yours. So, let us think about your pains if You don’t want to add more bitternesses to mine. Let me dry your tears, and let me share in the pains of your Heart.’ So He shared His pains with me, and while letting me see the grave evils present in the world, and those which will come, He disappeared from me.