I remember confusedly that, when I would be with Our Lord, I would often ask for sorrow for my sins and for the grace to be forgiven of all the evil I had done; and at times I reached the point of saying that only then would I be content, when I would hear Him say, from His own lips: “I forgive all your sins.” And blessed Jesus, who can deny nothing when it is for our good, one morning made Himself seen and told me: “This time I Myself want to do the office of confessor. You will confess all of your sins to Me, and in the act in which you do this, I will make you comprehend, one by one, the sorrows you have given to my Heart in offending Me, so that, by comprehending what sin is, as much as it is possible for a creature, you may be resolved to die rather than to offend Me. You, in the meantime, enter into your nothingness, and recite the Confiteor.”
On entering myself, I could see all of my misery and my wicked deeds, and I trembled like a leaf before His presence. I lacked the strength to pronounce the words of the Confiteor, and if the Lord had not infused new strength in me, by telling me, “Do no fear. If I am a judge, I am also your father. Courage, let us proceed”, I would have remained there, without uttering one word.
So I said the Confiteor, all full of confusion and humiliation, and since I saw myself all covered with my sins, at one glance, I saw that the greatest one, which had given affront to Our Lord, was pride. So I said: ‘Lord, before your presence, I accuse myself of the sin of pride.’ And He: “Draw near my Heart, and place your ear over It – you will hear the cruel torment that you have caused my Heart with this sin.” All trembling, I placed my ear at His adorable Heart – but who can tell what I heard and comprehended in that instant? Especially now, after so much time - I will say something confusedly. I remember that His Heart was beating so strongly, that it seemed that His breast was going to crack. Then it seemed to me that It was torn to shreds, and was almost destroyed by the pain. Ah! if I could have, I would have reached the point of destroying the Divine Being with pride.
I will give you a simile in order to make myself understood, otherwise I have no words to express myself. Imagine a king, and at the feet of this king, a worm, which, rising and swelling up, begins to believe it is something, and reaches such audacity as to rise little by little, reaching the head of this king, wanting to remove the crown from him and put it on its own head. Then, it strips him of his royal vestments; then, it throws him off his throne, and finally, it tries to kill him. But what’s more about this worm, is that it itself does not know its own being; it very much deceives itself, while, to get rid if it, it would take the king nothing but to put it under his feet and crush it – and so it would end its days. In reality, if this could be, it would make arise indignation and pity, as well as ridicule, toward the pride of this worm. So did I see myself before God, and this filled me with such confusion and sorrow, that I felt the torment that blessed Jesus suffered being renewed in my heart.
After this, He left me, and I felt such pain, comprehending how ugly the sin of pride is, that it is impossible to describe it. After I chewed all this thoroughly within myself, my good Jesus came back and told me to continue the confession of my sins. And I, all trembling, continued to make the accusation of my thoughts, words, works, causes and omissions; and when He would see that I was unable to continue the confession because of the pain I felt at having offended Him so much… in fact, I had such a vivid clarity, being in front of that Divine Sun; and especially could I see my littleness, the nonentity of my being, and I was stunned at how daring I had been, wondering from where had I taken that courage to offend a God so good, who, in the very act in which I was offending Him, assisted me, preserved me, nourished me. And if He had any rancor with me, it was for the sin I committed, which He greatly hated, while He loved me immensely, He excused me before divine justice, and was all occupied with removing that wall of division between the soul and God, which sin had produced. Oh! if all could see who God is, and who the soul is in the act of sinning, they would all die of sorrow, and I believe that sin would be exiled from the earth …So, when blessed Jesus would see that I could not take any more because of the pain, He would withdraw and leave me, to allow me to comprehend well the evil I had done. And then He would come back again, and I would continue the accusation of my sins.
But who can tell all that I understood, and explain, one by one, the different affronts and the special sorrows which I had caused Our Lord with my sins? I feel it is almost impossible for me to explain myself - also because I don’t remember it too well.
Then, when I finished the accusation, which lasted about seven hours, lovable Jesus took the aspect of a most loving father. And since I was exhausted in my strengths because of the sorrow, more so since I saw that that sorrow was not enough, to be sorry as much as it befitted my sins - to encourage me, He told me: “I Myself want to make up for you, so I apply to your soul the merit of the pain I had in the Garden of Gethsemani. This alone can satisfy the divine justice.” After He applied His pain to my soul, then I seemed to be disposed to receive the absolution.
All humbled and confused as I was, prostrated at the feet of the good father Jesus, through the rays He was sending into my mind, I tried to excite myself more to sorrow by saying - though I don’t remember everything: ‘Great, immense, has been the evil I have done against You. These powers of mine and these senses of my body were meant to be as many tongues with which to praise You. Ah! instead, they have been like many poisonous vipers which were biting You and were even trying to kill You. But, holy father, forgive me – do not want to cast me away because of the great wrong I have done to You by sinning.’
And Jesus: “And you - do you promise to sin no more, and to banish from your heart any shadow of evil that might offend your Creator?”
And I: ‘Ah! yes, with all my heart I promise You. I would die a thousand times rather than sin again. Never again, never again.’
And Jesus: “And I forgive you, and I apply to your soul the merits of my Passion, and I want to wash it in my Blood.”
And as He was saying this, He raised His blessed right hand and pronounced the words of the absolution – exactly like the words that the priest says, when he gives absolution. And in the act of doing this, a river of blood poured down from His hand, and my soul was completely inundated by it.
After this, He said to me: “Come, oh daughter, come to make penance for your sins by kissing my wounds.”
All trembling, I stood up and I kissed His most sacred wounds; and then He said to me: “My daughter, be more vigilant and attentive, because today I give you the grace not to fall, ever again, into voluntary venial sin.”
Then He gave me other exhortations, which I don’t remember too well; and He disappeared.