Who can tell how so very bitter this returning would be for me? It seemed to me that in going from the things of Heaven to the things of this earth, everything was rotten, insipid, bothering. The things which delighted others so much, were bitter for me. The people most dear, most distinguished, such that others would do, who knows what, in order to be with them, were indifferent to me, and also bothering; only by looking at them as images of God, did I seem to be able to bear them. But my soul had lost any satisfaction; nothing would bring to it the slightest contentment, and the pain I felt was such, that I would do nothing but cry and lament to my beloved Jesus. Ah!, my heart lived restless, amid continuous yearnings and desires; I felt it more in Heaven than on earth. I felt in my interior something that consumed me continuously, so bitter and painful it was for me having to continue to live. But the obedience almost put a brake on these pains of mine, commanding me in an absolute way not to desire to die, since, when the confessor would give me the obedience, only then was I to die. So, in order to do the holy obedience, I would do as much as I could so as not to think about it, because in my interior there was a continuous ejaculation of desires of wanting to go. So, for the most part, my heart calmed down, but not completely. I confess the truth, I was very deficient in this – but what could I do? I could not restrain myself - it was a true martyrdom for me. My benign Jesus would say to me: “Calm yourself, what is it that makes you desire Heaven so much?” I would say to Him: ‘It is that I want to be always united with You. My soul can no longer bear being separated from You – not just for one day, but not even for a moment. Therefore I want to come at any cost.’ “Well then”, He would say to me, “If it is because of Me, I want to make you content – I will come and stay with you.” Then I would say to Him: ‘But then You leave me, and I lose sight of You, while in Heaven it is not so – there, I could never lose sight of You.’