After this, I received another mortification, and this was having to change confessor, because since he was a religious, he was called back to the convent. I was content with him, and most of those dins mentioned above occurred when he was in the countryside, especially during the last year he was my confessor; because of the cholera spreading in town, he spent only six months here. My confessor did not give many reproaches; he would let me remain in that state of sufferings for one day, and then he would come. So, it was less than a month since he had withdrawn to the countryside, and it became known that he was leaving. This was painful for me - not because I was attached, but because of the necessity I had of him. So I went to the Lord and I told Him of my pain, and He said to me: “I do not want you to afflict yourself because of this. I am the master of hearts, and I can turn them and turn them again as I please. If he did some good to you, he has been nothing but a vessel which received from Me, and gave to you. So I will do with the others; what do you fear then? My dear, as long as you keep turning your eye now to the right, now to the left, and you let it set now on something, now on something else, and you do not have your eye fixed on Me, you will not be able to walk speedily along the way of Heaven. On the contrary, you will always be limping and will not be able to follow the influence of grace. Therefore I want you to look at all the things that surround you with holy indifference, remaining all intent on Me alone.”
After these words, my heart acquired so much strength that I suffered little or nothing from such a great loss - of one who had done so much good to my soul.
So it happened that I changed confessor, and I returned to the confessor who used to confess me when I was little. But may the Lord be always blessed who uses those very paths which appear to be contrary to us, almost as if they were to bring harm to our soul, for our greater good and for His glory. So it happened that I began to open my soul, since up to that point I had not said anything to anyone. As much effort as I would make over myself, I could not manage; even more, I would see myself more impotent to tell of the things of my interior. The blushing I felt at the mere thought of telling these things was such that I felt it would have been easier for me to tell the ugliest sins. Where this came from – I don’t know. From the confessor – I don’t think so, because he was so good, trustful, sweet, patient in listening. He would take a most exact care of the soul; he would have his eye on everything, so that I might walk straight. From me – I don’t think so either, because I felt a block over my soul, and I had all the will to free myself and to hear at least what the confessor thought about it; but I felt it was impossible for me to do it. To me, I think that there was an intervention of the Lord.
So, finding myself with the new confessor, I began to open my interior, little by little. Many times the Lord commanded me to manifest to the confessor what He had told me; and when I would not do it, the Lord would scold me, He would reproach me severely, and at times He reached the point of telling me that if I did not do it, He would come no more – which is the most bitter pain for me, such that all the other pains compared to this seem to be nothing but blades of straw. Therefore, the fear that He would really not come was so great, that I did as much as I could in order to manifest my interior. It is true that many times this cost me very much, but the fear of losing my dear Jesus would make me overcome everything. I was also pushed by the confessor to say where such a state was coming from, what happened to me when I was in that doziness, what was the cause of it. He would now command me to manifest it, now force me through the precepts of obedience, and now place before me the fear that I might be living in illusion and deceit, living within myself, while if I manifested it to the priest, I could be more certain and tranquil, because the Lord never permits that the priest be mistaken when the soul is obedient. So, Jesus Christ pushed me from one side, the confessor from the other. It seemed to me that sometimes they were banding together, the two of them - the confessor and Jesus Christ. And so I managed to manifest my soul. The past confessor would not do that – he would not ask me a question; he would not try to know what was happening to me in that state of doziness, and so I myself did not know how to come out and talk about these things. The concern he had was that I be resigned, conformed to the Will of God, bearing the cross that the Lord had given me; so much so, that if sometimes he saw me a little bothered, he would suffer great sorrow.
So it happened that I spent about another year with this confessor, in the same state described above. And since the confessor knew where that state of sufferings was coming from, he told me that when Jesus Christ wanted me to have sufferings, I should go to him to ask for the obedience.