One evening, while we were at the table, and I was in this state of not being able to open my mouth, my family began to get upset. I was so affected that I started to cry, and in order not to be seen, I got up and I went somewhere else, still crying; and I prayed Jesus Christ and the Most Holy Virgin to give me help and strength in order to bear this trial. But as I was doing this, I felt I was beginning to lose consciousness. Oh God! what pain was the mere thought that my family was going to see me, for until then, they had not noticed it. At that moment, I said: ‘Lord, do not allow them to see me.’ I was so ashamed of being seen, that I myself cannot explain why, and I tried as much as I could to hide myself in those places where I could not be seen. When then I was caught by surprise, in such a way that I would not have the time to hide or at least kneel - for whatever position I was in, I would remain in it, and they might say I was praying – then I would be found out. As I lost consciousness, Our Lord made Himself seen in the midst of many enemies who gave Him all sorts of insults; especially, they grabbed Him and trampled Him underfoot, they blasphemed against Him, they pulled His hair. It seemed to me that my good Jesus wanted to escape from under those fetid soles, and He kept looking - who knows, He might find a friendly hand who would free Him; but He found no one. While seeing this, I did nothing but cry over the pains of my Lord. I would have wanted to go into the midst of those enemies – who knows, maybe I could free Him; but I did not dare to. I said to Him: ‘Lord, let me share in your pains. O please! if only I could relieve You and free You.’ As I was saying this, those enemies, as if they had understood, came against me – but so enraged. And they began to beat me, to pull my hair, to trample me. I had so much fear; I suffered, yes, but within me I was content, because I could see that the Lord was given a little respite. Afterwards, those enemies disappeared, and I remained alone with my Jesus. I tried to compassionate Him, but I did not dare to say anything. And He, breaking the silence, said to me: “All that you have seen is nothing compared to the offenses that they give Me continuously. Their blindness, their flooding themselves with the things of the earth is such that they reach the point of becoming not only my cruel enemies, but also enemies of themselves; and since their eyes are fixed on mud, they reach the point of despising the Eternal. Who will put a mend to so much ingratitude? Who will have compassion for so many people, who cost Me blood, and who live almost buried in the stench of earthly things? O please! come with Me, and pray and cry together with Me for so many blind who are all eyes for all that gives of earth, and then despise and trample my graces under their filthy feet, as if they were mud. O please! lift yourself above all that is earth – abhor and despise all that does not belong to Me. Do not be affected any more by the insults you receive from your family, after you have seen Me suffer so much; rather, take to heart only my honor, the offenses that they give Me continuously, the loss of so many souls. O please! do not leave Me alone in the midst of so many pains that torture my Heart. All that you are suffering now is little compared to the pains you will suffer. Have I not always told you that what I want from you is the imitation of my life? Take a look at how dissimilar you are from Me. Therefore, pluck up courage and do not fear.”
After this, I returned into myself, and then I realized that I was surrounded by my family. They were crying and were all troubled; and they were so concerned that that state might occur again and, especially, that I might die, that they brought me back to Corato as quickly as they could, so that I might be observed by doctors. I don’t know why, but I felt such pain at the thought that I was to be visited by doctors, that many times I cried and lamented to the Lord, saying to Him: ‘How many times, oh Lord, I begged You to let me suffer hiddenly. This was my only and sole contentment, and now I am deprived also of this. O please! tell me, how shall I endure this? You alone can help me and relieve me from my affliction. Don’t You see how many things they say? One thinks in one way, one in another; one wants to apply one remedy on me, one, another – they are all eyes over me, in such a way that they give me no more peace. O please! help me in so many pains, for I feel life failing me.’
And the Lord, benignly, added: “Do not want to afflict yourself because of this. What I want from you is that you abandon yourself in my arms as if you were dead. Until you keep your eyes opened to look at what I am doing, and at what the creatures do and say, I cannot operate freely upon you. Don’t you want to trust Me? Don’t you know how much I love you, and that everything I allow, either through creatures, or from demons, or directly from Me, is truly for your good and serves for nothing but to lead the soul to that state for which I have chosen her? Therefore I want you to remain in my arms with your eyes closed, without looking at and investigating this or that, trusting Me completely, and letting Me operate freely. If then you want to do the opposite, you will lose much time, and you will come to oppose what I want to do with you. As for creatures, use profound silence, be benign and submissive with everyone; let your life, your breathing, your thoughts and affections be continuous acts of reparations to placate my justice, offering Me, along with them, the bothers from creatures, which will not be few.”
After this, I did as much as I could to resign myself to the Will of God, although many times I was put in such constraints by the creatures, that at times I would do nothing but cry. The time also came to have me visited by a doctor, and he judged that it was nothing other than a nervous phenomenon; so he prescribed medicines, distractions, strolls, cold baths. He recommended to my family that they watch well over me when I was surprised by that state, “because”, he said, “if you move her, you may break her, but not fix her”, since when I was surprised by that state, I would remain petrified.
So, a war arose on the part of my family. They prevented me from going to church; they no longer gave me that freedom to be by myself; I was watched everywhere, and so they noticed it more often. Many times, I lamented to the Lord, saying to Him: ‘My good Jesus, how my pains have increased – I am deprived also of the things dearest to me, which are the Sacraments. I had never thought I would reach this point. But who knows where I will end up! O please! give me help and strength, for my nature is failing me.’ Many times He would deign to tell me a few words. He would say to me: “I am your help, what do you fear? Don’t you remember that I too suffered from all kinds of people - some had one opinion about Me, some another. The most holy things I did were judged by them as faulty, wicked, to the point of telling Me that I was possessed; so much so, that they would look at Me with surly eyes. They would keep Me in their midst, but unwillingly, and would plot among themselves about how they could take my life away as soon as possible, for my presence had become intolerable for them. So, don’t you want Me to make you similar to Me, by making you suffer from creatures?”