Now, who can tell the change that occurred in my interior? Everything was horror for me. That love which I felt in me before, I saw now changed into atrocious hate. What pain, not being able to love Him. The thought that that Lord who had been so good to me, I was now forced to abhor and curse as if He were the most cruel enemy - tortured my soul. I could not look at Him, even through His images, because in looking at them, in holding rosaries in my hands, in kissing them, I had such rushes of hate and such strength, that doing that and reducing everything to pieces was the same. And sometimes I put up such resistance that my nature trembled from head to foot. Oh God, what a most bitter pain! I believe that if in hell there were no other pains, just the pain of not being able to love God would form the most horrible hell. Many times the devil would place before me the graces that the Lord had given me, now as a crafting of my imagination so that I would make a life more free, more comfortable; and now as true, and they reproached me by saying: “Is this the love He had for you? Is this the recompense – leaving you in our hands? You belong to us, you belong to us, everything is over for you, there is nothing left to hope for.” And I felt such rushes of indignation against the Lord, and of desperation being cast into my interior, that many times, if I found myself with some images in my hands, the power of the indignation was such that I would tear them apart. But while doing this, I would cry and kiss it – but I don’t know how I was forced to do it.
Now, who can tell the torment of my soul? The demons made feast and laughed – some would make noise from one point, some from another; some would yell and shout, some would deafen me with screams, saying: “See how you belong to us – there is nothing left but taking you to hell, body and soul, and then you will see what we will do to you.” Sometimes I felt myself being pulled – now from my clothes, now from the chair on which I was kneeling; they would move it and yell so much that I could not pray. And sometimes the fear was such that, thinking I could free myself, I would go and lay down in bed (since these dins occurred mostly at night); but even there, they would follow me, pulling the pillow and the blankets. Now, who can tell the fright, the fear I felt? I myself did not know where I was, whether on earth or in hell. The fear that they would really take me away was such that I could no longer close my eyes to sleep. I was like one who has a cruel enemy who has sworn to take his life away at any cost; and I believed that this would happen to me as soon as I would close my eyes. Therefore I felt as if someone put something inside of them, in such a way that I was forced to keep them wide open to see when they were going to take me away – who knows whether I might pluck up the strength to oppose what they wanted to do. I felt my hair stand on end, one by one over my head, and a cold sweat throughout my whole person, which penetrated deep into my bones; and I felt my nerves and bones being dislocated, one by one, wriggling about out of fear.
Other times, I felt incited to such temptations of desperation and of suicide, that sometimes, finding myself close to the well or to a knife, I felt drawn to throw myself into it, or to take the knife and kill myself. The effort I had to make in order to run away was so great, that I felt pains of death; and while running away, I felt them come after me, suggesting to me that it was useless for me to live after I had committed so many sins, and that God had abandoned me because I had not been faithful. Even more, I felt as if I had done many wicked things which my soul had never in the world committed; therefore for me there was no more mercy to hope for. In the depth of my soul I felt repeat: ‘How can you live as an enemy of God? Do you know Who that God is, whom you have offended, cursed, hated? Ah! that immense God who surrounded you everywhere, and whom you have dared to offend under His very eyes. Ah! now that you have lost the God of your soul, who will ever again give you peace? Who will free you from so many enemies?’ The pain was such that I did nothing but cry. Sometimes I would start to pray, and I would feel the demons come over me to increase my torment, and some would beat me, some would prick me, some would suffocate my throat. I remember that once, while I was praying, I felt my feet being pulled from underneath the earth, and the earth open, and flames come out; and I was sinking into it. The fright and the pain were such that I remained half dead; so much so, that in order to make me recover from that state, Jesus Christ came and consoled me. He made me understand that it was not true that I had placed my will to offend Him, and that from the most bitter pain I felt, I myself could know that the devil was a liar and that I should not pay attention to him; that for now I had to have patience in suffering those bothers, and that then, peace would come. This would happen from time to time, when I would really come to the extremes, and sometimes in order to put me into more bitter torments. In the act of that comfort the soul would be convinced, because before that light it is impossible for the soul not to learn the truth; but then, when I was in the fight, I would find myself in the same state as before.
He also tempted me not to receive Communion, persuading me that after I had committed so many sins, it was a boldness to go there, and that if I dared to, not Jesus Christ, but the devil would come, and would give me so many torments as to make me die. However, obedience would win. It is true that sometimes I suffered mortal pains, such that I could hardly recover after Communion, but when the confessor absolutely wanted me to receive It, I could not do otherwise. So, I remember that quite a few times I did not receive It.
I also remember that sometimes, while I was praying in the evening, they would turn off the lamp; sometimes they would let out such roars as to strike fear; other times, feeble voices as if they were dying. But who can tell all that they would do? It is impossible.