I remembered still, all of the graces, the words, the corrections, the reproaches, and I could see with a clear eye how all the work done until then, everything - everything, had been the work of His grace, and that there was nothing left of myself but mere nothing and inclination to evil. I could touch with my own hand how, without Him, I could no longer feel love so sensibly, and those lights so clear during meditation, such that I would remain there for two or three hours. However, I did as much as I could in order to do whatever I used to do when I felt Him within me, because I felt these words being repeated to me: “If you are faithful, I will come to reward you; if ungrateful, to chastise you.”
In these way I would spend sometimes two days, sometimes four, more or less, as He pleased. My only comfort was to receive Him in the Sacrament. Ah! yes, certainly, I found Him there – I could not doubt; and I remember that only a few times He would not let Himself be heard, because I prayed Him and prayed Him and importuned Him so much, that He would make me content. However, He was not loving and lovable, but severe.
After I would spend those days in that state described above, I would feel Him come back within me, especially if I had been faithful to Him. He spoke to me more clearly, and since during the previous days I had not been able to conceive one word or feel anything within me, I came to know that it was not my fantasy, as I said to myself many times before; so much so that, of what has been said up to here, I would say nothing, either to the confessor or to any other living soul. But I did as much as I could to correspond to Him, otherwise He would wage such a war against me, that I would have no peace. Ah Lord! You have been so good to me, and I, still so bad.
Continuing what I had started, I would feel Him within me, I would hug Him, I would clasp Him to myself, and say to Him: ‘Beloved Good, see how hard has been our separation.’ And He would say to me: ‘What you have gone through is nothing yet – prepare yourself for harder trials. This is why I have come – to dispose your heart and to strengthen it. Now you will tell me everything you have gone through – your doubts and fears, all of your difficulties, that I may teach you how to behave during my absence.”
So I would make Him the narration of my pains, telling Him: ‘Lord, You see, without You I was unable to do anything good. The meditation – I did it all distracted, ugly; so much so that I did not have the courage to offer it to You at Communion. I was unable to stay there for hours, as when I could feel You; I saw myself alone, I had no one with whom to converse, I felt completely empty. The pain of your absence made me feel mortal agonies; my nature wanted to hurry up so as to escape that pain; more so, since it seemed to me that I did nothing but waste time. And then, the fear that, in coming back, You might chastise me, because I had not been faithful… So I didn’t know what to do. And then, the pain because You are offended continuously, and I was unable to do those acts of reparation as You taught me before, and those visits to the Most Holy Sacrament for the different offenses You receive… Tell me, then, what should I have done?’ And He, benignly, instructing me, said to me:
1 – “You were wrong in being so disturbed. Don’t you know that I am Spirit of Peace, and the first thing I recommend is that you do not disturb the peace of the heart? When in prayer you are not able to recollect yourself, I do not want you to think of this or that – of how it is, or how it is not – because in doing so, you yourself call the distraction. Instead, when you find yourself in that state, the first thing to do is to humble yourself, confessing that you deserve those pains, and placing yourself in the arms of the executioner, like a humble little lamb that licks his hand while he kills it. The same for you: while seeing yourself beaten, disheartened and alone, you will resign yourself to my holy dispositions, you will thank Me with all your heart, you will kiss my hand that strikes you, recognizing yourself unworthy of those pains. Then, you will offer to Me that bitterness, anguish and tedium, praying Me to accept them as a sacrifice of praise, of satisfaction for your sins, and of reparation for the offenses that they give Me. If you do so, your prayer will ascend before my throne as most fragrant incense; it will wound my Heart, and you will draw new graces and new charisms upon you. In seeing you humble and resigned, all plunged into your nothingness, the devil will not have the power to get close. And here is how, where you thought you were losing, you will make great gains.”
2 – As far as Communion, I do not want you to afflict yourself because you are not able to stay there; know that this is a shadow of the pains I suffered in Gethsemani. What will happen when I make you share in the scourges, the thorns and the nails? The thought of greater pains will make you suffer the minor pains with more courage. So, when during Communion you find yourself alone, agonizing, think that I want a little bit of your company in my agony in the garden. Therefore, place yourself near Me, and make a comparison between your pains and Mine: see, you - alone and deprived of Me, and I too - alone, abandoned by my most faithful friends who are there, sleeping; left alone even by my Divine Father; and then, in the midst of most bitter pains, surrounded by snakes, by vipers, by rabid dogs, which were the sins of men, among which yours too did their part, such that they seemed to want to devour Me alive. My Heart was taken by such grips, that I felt as if it was under a press; so much so, that I sweat living blood. Tell Me, when did you arrive at suffering so much? Therefore, when you find yourself deprived of Me, afflicted, empty of any consolation, filled with sadness, with worries, with pains, come close to Me, dry that blood of mine from Me, offer those pains to Me as relief for my most bitter agony. By doing so, you will find the way to be able to stay with Me after Communion. It is not that you will not suffer, because the most bitter pain I can give to the souls dear to Me is to deprive them of Me, but by thinking that through your suffering you give relief to Me, you will also be content.
3 – As for the visits and the acts of reparation, you must know that everything I did in the course of thirty-three years, from when I was born up to when I died, I am continuing in the Sacrament of the altar. Therefore I want you to visit Me thirty-three times a day, honoring my years and also uniting with Me in the Sacrament with my own intentions – that is, reparation, adoration… You will do this at all times: with the first thought of the morning, fly before the tabernacle in which I am present for love of you, and visit Me; and also with the last thought of the evening, while you sleep at night, before and after your meal, at the beginning of each one of your actions, while walking, working…”
While He was saying this to me, I saw myself all confused, not knowing whether I could manage to do them; and I said to him: ‘Lord, I beg You to be with me until I acquire the habit of doing them, for I know that with You I can do everything - but without You, what can miserable I do?’ And He, benignly, added: “Yes, yes, I will content you – when have I ever failed you? I want your goodwill - whatever you want, I will give to you.” And so He did.