I remember that many times, after Communion, He said to me: “You will not be able to truly resemble Me other than by means of sufferings. Up until now I have been together with you; now I want to leave you alone a little bit, without letting Myself be felt. See, up to now I have led you by the hand, instructing you and correcting you in everything, and you have done nothing but follow Me. Now I want you to do it by yourself. However, be more attentive than before, thinking that my gaze is fixed on you, though I do not let Myself be heard; and that when I return to make Myself heard, I will come either to reward you, if you have been faithful to Me, or to chastise you, if you have been ungrateful to Me.”
I was so frightened and terrified at such intimidation, that I said to Him: ‘Lord, my all and my life, how can I survive without You - who will give me the strength? How is it, after You have made me leave everything, so much so that I feel as if no one existed for me - You want to leave me alone and abandoned. What, have You perhaps forgotten how bad I am, and that without You I can do nothing?’ And because of this objection, assuming a more serious look, He added: “The reason is that I want you to understand well who you are. See, I do this for your good; do not be saddened – I want to prepare your heart to receive the graces which I have designed for you. Up until now, I have assisted you sensibly; now I will do it less sensibly – I will make you touch your nothingness with your own hands; I will fuse you thoroughly in profound humility, in order to be able to build high walls upon you. So, instead of afflicting yourself, you should rejoice and thank Me, because the faster I make you cross the stormy sea, the sooner you will reach the port of safety; the harder the trials to which I will submit you, the greater the graces I will give you. Courage, then, courage, and I will come back soon.” And in saying this, He seemed to bless me, and then He left.
Who can tell the pain I felt - the void He left in my interior, the bitter tears I shed? But I resigned myself to His Holy Will. It seemed that from afar I kissed His hand which had blessed me, saying to Him: ‘Good-bye, oh Holy Spouse, good-bye.’ I felt as if everything was over for me, because I had only Him, and since He was missing, no other consolation was left to me; rather, everything turned into most bitter pains. Even more, creatures themselves would provoke my pain, in such a way that all the things I would look at, seemed to be saying to me: “See, we are works of your Beloved – and He, where is He?” If I looked at the water, at the fire, at flowers, and even at stones, immediately my thought would say: ‘Ah! these are works of your Spouse. Ah! they have the good of seeing Him, and you do not see Him. O please! works of my Lord, give me news – tell me, where is He? He told me He would come soon, but who knows when.’
At times, I would reach such a bitter desolation that I would feel breathless, ice cold all over, and a shiver throughout my whole person. Sometimes my family would notice it; they attributed it to a physical trouble and wanted to put me under treatment, and call the doctors. Sometimes they insisted so much that they succeeded, but I would do as much as I could to remain alone; so they noticed it only a few times.