After these things, one day, after Communion, I felt Him within me, all love – loving me so much that I myself was very much amazed, for I saw myself as so bad and unrequiting. And I said within myself: ‘If only I were good and requiting. I fear that He may leave me (I have always had this fear that He might leave me, and I still do; and sometimes the pain I feel is so great, that I believe that the pain of death would be minor, and if He Himself does not come to calm me, I can give myself no peace) - while He wants to draw more intimately close to me.’ While I felt Him within me in this way, through an interior voice, He said to me: “My beloved, the things of the past have been nothing but a preparation. Now I want to come to the facts, and in order to dispose your heart to do what I want from you – that is, the imitation of my life - I want you to enter into the immense sea of my Passion. After you have understood well the bitterness of my pains, the love with which I suffered them, Who I am who suffered so much, and who you are, a most wretched creature – ah! your heart will not dare to oppose the blows, the cross, which I have prepared only for your good. On the contrary, by just thinking that I, your master, have suffered so much, your pains will seem shadows to you compared to Mine. Suffering will be sweet for you, and you will reach the point of not being able to be without sufferings.”
My nature trembled at the mere thought of sufferings; I prayed that He Himself would give me the strength, because without Him I would use His very gifts to offend the giver. So, I gave all of myself to meditating the Passion, and this did so much good to my soul, that I believe that all the good came to me from that source. I saw the Passion of Jesus Christ as an immense sea of light, which wounded me all over with His innumerable rays – rays of patience, of humility, of obedience, and of many other virtues. I saw myself all surrounded by this light, and I remained annihilated at seeing myself so different from Him. Those rays that inundated me were so many reproaches for me. I heard them say: “A God so patient - and you? A God humble and submitted also to His very enemies – and you? A God who suffers so much for love of you – and where are your sufferings for love of Him?”
Sometimes, He Himself would make me the narration of the pains suffered by Him, and I was so touched that I would cry bitterly. One day, while working, I was considering the most bitter pains that my good Jesus suffered; I felt my heart so oppressed by the pain, that I could not breathe. Fearing something, I wanted to distract myself by going out to the balcony. But as I go about looking in the middle of the street – what do I see? I see the street all filled with people, and in the middle of it my loving Jesus with the Cross upon His shoulders. Some pulled Him to one side, some to another. All panting, with His face dripping with blood, He raised His eyes toward me in the act of asking for help. Who can tell the sorrow I felt, and the impression that a scene so pitiful made on my soul. I immediately went inside, I myself did not know where I was; I felt my heart crack with pain. I shouted, and crying, I said to Him: ‘My Jesus, if only I could help You! If only I could free You from those wolves so rabid! Ah! I wish at least to suffer those pains in your place, to give a relief to my sorrow. O please! my Good, give me suffering, for it is not fair that You suffer so much, while I, a sinner, remain without suffering.’
From that time on, I remember that such a great yearning for suffering ignited within me, that it has not dampened yet. I also remember that after Communion I would ardently pray Him to concede me suffering; and sometimes, to content me, He seemed to take the thorns from His crown and prick my heart. Other times, I felt Him take my heart in His hands and squeeze it so tightly, that I felt faint for the pain. When I realized that people might notice something, and He was disposed to give me these pains, I would immediately say to Him: ‘Lord, what are You doing? I beg You to give me suffering, but let it be hidden to everyone.’ Up to a certain time, He made me content, but my sins have made me unworthy to suffer hiddenly, without anyone noticing it.