Then He said to me: “The first thing I want you to mortify is your will. That ‘self’ must be destroyed in you; I want you to keep it sacrificed as victim before Me, so that your will and Mine may become one. Aren’t you happy?”
‘Yes, Lord, but give me the grace, for I see that by myself I can do nothing.’ And He continued: “Yes, I Myself will contradict you in everything, and occasionally by means of creatures.”
And so it happened. For example, if I woke up in the morning and I did not get up immediately, the interior voice would tell me: “You rest, while I had no other bed but the cross. Hurry up, hurry up – not so much satisfaction.” If I walked and my sight would run a little farther, He would immediately reprimand me: “I do not want this. Do not let your sight move away from you but the length of one step, so that you won’t trip.” If I was in the countryside and I saw flowers and trees, He would say to me: “I have created everything for love of You, and you, deprive your sight of this pleasure for love of Me.” Even in the most innocent and holy things, as for example the cloths for the altars, the processions, He would say to me: “You must take no other pleasure but in Me alone.” If I was sitting while working, He would say to me: “You are too comfortable; don’t you remember that my life was a continuous suffering – and you? And you?” In order to content Him, I would immediately shift to half of the chair, leaving the other half empty; and sometimes, jokingly, I said to Him: ‘See oh Lord, half the chair is empty – come and sit near me.’ Sometimes it seemed He would content me, and I felt such delight that I myself cannot express it. Sometimes, then, while I was working a little slowly and listlessly, He would say to Me: “Hurry up, help yourself, for the time you gain by helping yourself you will spend with Me in prayer.” Sometimes, He Himself would assign to me how much work I was supposed to do. Then I would pray Him to come and help me. “Yes, yes”, He would answer me, “we will do it together, so that when you have finished, we will be more free.” And it would happen that in one hour or two I did what I was supposed to do during the whole day. Then I would go to pray, and He gave me much light and told me many things, such that it would be too long if I wanted to say them all.
I remember that while I was alone, working, I noticed that the thread was not enough to finish that work, and that I would need to go to my family in order to get some. So I turned to Him and I said: ‘What is the purpose of having helped me, my beloved? As I see that I need to go to my family, I may find people who may prevent me from coming back here, and this time our conversation will come to nothing.’ “What, what?”, He said to me, “don’t you have faith?” ‘Yes’. “Well then, do not fear, for I will make you complete everything.” And so it happened; and then I would start to pray.
If then, at lunch time, I ate something tasty, He would immediately reprimand me interiorly, saying: “Have you perhaps forgotten that I had no other taste but suffering for love of you? And that you must have no other taste but mortifying yourself for love of Me? Leave it aside, and eat that which you like the least.” And I would immediately take it and bring it to the maid, or I would say that I didn’t want it any more; and many times I remained almost on an empty stomach. However, when I would go to pray, I would receive so much strength and feel so satiated, that I would feel nausea for everything. Other times, then, in order to contradict me, if I did not feel like eating, He would say to me: “I want you to eat for love of Me, and as the food unites with the body, pray that my love may unite with your soul; and everything will be sanctified.”
In a word, without going any further, even in the smallest things, He tried to make my will die, so that it might live only for Him. He allowed that I be contradicted also by the confessor. For example: I would feel a great need to receive Communion; for the whole day and night I would do nothing but prepare myself. My eyes could not close to sleep because of the continuous throbbing of my heart, and I would say to Him: ‘Lord, hurry, for I cannot be without You. Accelerate the hours, let the sun rise quickly, for I cannot resist anymore, my heart is fainting.’ He Himself would make me such loving invitations that I would feel my heart crack. He would say to me: “See, I am alone, do not be troubled because you cannot sleep – this is about keeping company with your God, with your Spouse, with your All, who is continuously offended. O please! do not deny Me this relief, because then, in your afflictions I will not leave you.” But while I was in these dispositions, in the morning I would go to the confessor, and without knowing why, the first things he would say to me was: “I do not want you to receive Communion.” I tell the truth, this was so bitter for me, that sometimes I would do nothing but cry. I would not dare to say anything to the confessor, because He Himself wanted him to do so, otherwise He would reproach me. But I would go to Him and tell Him of my pain: ‘Ah! my Good, is this the vigil we have kept last night - that after so much waiting and yearning I was to remain deprived of You? I know well that I must obey, but tell me something – can I be without You? Who will give me strength? And then, who will have the courage to depart from this church without bringing You along? I don’t know what to do, but You can remedy everything.’ While pouring myself out in this way, I would feel a fire draw near me, and a flame enter my heart. I would feel Him within me, and immediately He would say to me: “Calm yourself, calm yourself; here I am – inside your heart. What do you fear now? Do not afflict yourself any more, I Myself want to dry your tears. You are right, you could not be without Me, could you?”
Then I would remain so very annihilated within myself, and I would say to Him that if I were good, He would not have disposed it that way; and I prayed Him never to leave me again, for I did not want to be without Him.